I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
