You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
