Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
