i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
