I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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