Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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