You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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