After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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