There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
