We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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