im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
