YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
