apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
