I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
