Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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