Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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