I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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