grandma shit on top of the toilet
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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