I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
