y did u give ur computer a hand job?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
