on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
