A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
