The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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