If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
