Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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