Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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