My hair reeks of homosexuality.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
