now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
