I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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