You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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