You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
