k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
