I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
