How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
