i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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