I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
