mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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