i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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