Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
