omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
