I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
