You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I won't apologize to a one balled man
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
