You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
