U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
