I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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