Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize