just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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