I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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