my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
