I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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