I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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