What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
