Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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