Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
