Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
