we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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