So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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