You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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