i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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