I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
