Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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