I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
