Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
