Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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