My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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