Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
